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My Luv is like a Mount Doom

A Lord of the Rings fanfic by DarkLilium

A tragic love story between a poor infortunate elf girl and her friends, set in the world of lotr and inspired by the events in the book. Review a lot plz :


Chapter 1

My Luv is like a Moont Doom

Ma name is Diabolica Claudiabolique Stantard Moonshadowlight. I leeve in da super hood of da hobbit town, The Shawer. I am a orphaline who as bin fond in a bosket by ma adaptive father Balbo Baggin, who is a fury creator calld a hobsit unlike me cuz im a elf. Ive bin pety deprassed all my liv becuz ma parent didnt luv me, and becuz I'm a butiful fucking elf. I hat ma race so much they are all so fucking prep and snub and not into real and butiful dark stuff like drewsing in black gothic clothes and lsitening to goffic musik. Theya re all fucking hyppy idiots who dont know that life is hard and so depressing. I hav long black soily hair and i'm very slim and have pale skin, the only thing i luv about me. I hva also really deep blue green dark eyes that everyone envy me. I dress masylf with leather stripes in goffic style i taint in black with a lot of red lace all over and black fishnet. A lot of ppl also watch me werdily becuz of that but a dont care of those fucking idiots. The only ppl i like in that hood is ma border Frodo n his luv Sam Gameguy who r so goffic like me. Their friendz Pippy n Merry fucking rokcs too and d r fucking hotty, like Emo depressed princes. We all like depressed musik like da band Express Mount Doom n Dark Forest Sonata. 2day im majoraly excited cuz Gandalf is cuming back in ds hood. He is so cool with his black magik tricks and he has big goffic rings n a big black hoarse n a evul staff with a dragon shape thing on it. He taught me everything about goffic things and to Frodo and da boyz too.

I wuz wanking with Frodo befoer the big oke tree for Gandalf to cum. We were drawing ewvil draws of goffic signs and smoking pot when suddenly we heard him come. He was on a supper big vassel taht his horse wuz leeching. It had spike n everything n red smoke like hell, it was super dark. He looked at us with his red eyes under his big dark mantel and said:

-Whatz up biatch? Did ya keep sum of your herb for da Master Gandalf n his Stalone?

I smiled seducively at him and me and he magicanaly telesported himself betwin us. We all laugh hastily and smoked a little until we finally deported to da vallage. On da road to ds vilalge, Gandalf said:

-Diabolica, i have a upper bad news for ya...you ahve been cursez with da spell of da Lonely Ring!

-Oh my Satan, did I and Frodo shouted.

End of da chapter 1!!!


Da Story of Ma Life

Lookin at Gandalf, I swallod hard and asked :

- Wut is da Lonely ring curze?

Gandalf took a depp brett and said:

-Ya know dat tomorrow is da birday of your 18 years. And you maust also have noticed dat you grew up much vester than elf do. Dat it becuz your r nut a reel elf, ya are the perfect daughter that Moron created from the Lonely ring and the body of da most beautiful elf woman in Middle Heart. After he had been defeated ya remain locked as a baby for centuries in an egg, but den when Gollum found da ring dat had been lost ya ecloded and used unconsiouly our hidden and telesported yourself in a bush where Bilbo found you.

-How do you know dat?

Gandalf choked and said:

-I travel a lot, plus I have the gift of pregnancy which give me the power to see deep in da future n da past.

-So what is the curzer then?

-Starting tomorrow on yar 18 birday, you weel now be controlled by anyone who will wear the Lonely Ring and command you ta act. You weel also gain tremendourouis powers that will defy imagniation, and an aura that will draw ppl to you becuz of your extreme beauty.

-But I don't want to be fancied by evry idiots of Middle Heart! I want to stay like solidary or with Fdrodo Sam n Merry n Pippy. I don't want to have super amgik powers! I want to stay a normal gurl!

I then bursted into tears. Frodo tapped me on dy shoulder to reconfort me but it didnt rally workd. Gandalf then said all mysteriously:

-There is one way ya could break da course. You have to bring da ring to da Mount Doom and trow it in da fire. Like that, you will be freed of it and it will be the dead of Moron too 4evr.

-But wee don't even know where da ring is!

-I know where it is. I could feel its Magik Power, so thats why I came here. The ring is owned by your father Bilbo!

-No way! Then there is no time ta waist!

My heart still pumping, I prayed to Satan dat bilbo would ahve da ring n dat we would be able to go and trow dat evil ring in da fire. Suddenly, 2 ppl dressed in black jumped be4 us! It was Merry n Pippy!


Da fight

-WHATZ UP YA IDIOTS , screamd Pippy n Merry in da unisson.

-Idiots yarselves!, did I answered in a smexy voice.

Gandalf wuz a little pissed by them arriving unexpectably before da horse and stomping us and said very hungrily:

-HEY YA MORONS GET OUT OF OUR FUNKY WAY!

He then trow fire balls from his big stick to scare them.

-Whatz yar problem ya old fork?, said Pippy.

-Guyz, sorry but 2day we cant waste time with follies. We have to find Bilbo emmediately. Its a matter of life or death!, did I answered with an emotional voice and crystal tears in ma butiful eyez.

Everyone stay petrified by my visible detressed and then Pippy n Merry said that they would come with us to find Bilbo. They sat down with us and we started to run again, and we passed to da vilalge like a super quick black parade. We finally stopped at ma house. I quickly ran inside with grace screaming with ma butiful voice(thats wut evceryone sayz ok):

-BILBOOOOO! BILBOOOOO!

He wuz sitting before the fire and looked at me paraplexy.

-WHY IN HELL ARE YA SCREAMING LIKE THAT!

-BILBO I KNOW YA HAVE THE LONELY RING AND I NEED TO DESTROY IT!

Bilbo gave me a grave look and declared:

-NO FUCKING WAY I'M GIVING MY UBBER RING!

At this dramaticcally moment Gandalf entered in da room with us and trew fire from his breast, like a dragon. Bilbo levitate it and then they began to fight 2gether. With tears in ma eyes I screamed:

-STOP YA IDIOTS! DON'T DO THIS! PLEAZE FATHER, I NEED YOUR HELP!

I then started sobbing n they both stopped, feeling bad about making me cry.

-This doesnt make me feel happy but I'll give ya da ring, Diabolica. Anyway it's not like I could win agaisnt Gandalf, plus I know you are curzed by da Lonely ring curse. I guess I wuz only scared to lsoe ya in da quest to destroy it.

-It's okay father, I understand.

Gandalf then said:

-Well then guyz, Frodo, Merry n Pippy, I need ya to escort Diabolica safaly to da Elf hood, becuz we're gonna need all da help we need. I can't follow ya now becuz I have to check out if da army of Moron is bigger than ever. I'll pray Satan for ya.

He then dissaparated in a flash. I looked at the boyz n said:

-Well, let's go...Anyone has a map?


Da Departed

We all loot for useful thing in da house of Bibo to bling alone with us on our depressed quest to save me from tha horrible future of becoming tha biggest sex apple of da universe. Ther were maps, cans of been, googles of water, many clothes and diverse objects like arms. I also brung ma magical song palyer box to get me in the mood. I never go to long walks without it.( Its like a magical mp3 palyer okay) Gandulf crasted it with is goffik magic. I wuz exzited but also scarred and effeminate to leaf ma home palace, even if i would be with ma bffz. Da boys and me were all loonking at eachothers with sad faces and we understood each otherz even if we did not speak. When we were finished, I gaave a vain smile at Bilbo n said:

- I promis I'll cum back at u father. I'll destroy da ring and i'll be black to my goffic self.

-I cunt on u biatch, said Bilboo with a small smile.

His eyez were all teery n wet. I then got out of da house royally and graciously without crying even though i wanted too cuz i hate to be tha peetiful girl. Im not a fuckin blonde mary soo poser biatch.

Froodo pippy n marry were lookin hat me 2 know wat to do. i recompozed mysalf 2gether and gave them an intense firery goofic look with sombre eyez and said:

-Its a go suckas.

They nodz and gave back an also intense goffic look that was so fuckin hot i wuz all wet even though theyr were ma fbffz.Suddenly we heard some noise behind a bushes. I screamed powerely:

-SHOW YARSELVS MOTHAFUCKA!!

Someone then erupted from the bushes. It was...SAM!! I never rally talked too him but i alwayz though he waz a fuckin hottie and super cool cuz he was always impassible n solidary, like a butiful goffic emparor. he had some major smexy blue eyez n black hairs n wuz very pale. he looked at me shily n said:

-Diabolica im sorry but i heard ya were going away n i want too aks to joint you guyz. I know we dont know each otherz veery much but i tning whatz hapening to ya is too fucking unjustic and i want to help ya.

I was so fucking happy but i didnt showered ma emotion cuz im not some falshy happy girly. I reponsed cooly wih a hot smile:

-We sure could need ya help sam. Cum weith us biatch!

He smiled backfired at me and we gassez at eachothers for a second and i had to hold maself to not jump on him and have sex with him. We then all started walking toward our adaventure.


Da fist time

It wuz a very lone fonky way to da elf secrete place. We had walked for like hourz n it wuz very tireing. We talk alone the way about sirius stoff and only took small poses to smoke pot n pray Satan. There wuz no sun n it had been raining all day, n it made us happy. I discovered dat Sam wuz like us n lite the same goffik stuff n wasn't some poser or nomal stupied wite trash. Of course I shoudn have douted it since hez like Frodo best friend n luver but I had nevr rally talked to him cuz he intimated me cuz he is so fuckin hot and smexy. We were on a very darth trail when suddenly we heard noses. Lookin all super hotly dangeris, Sam said:

-Everyone hides in da bushes!

Frodo Marry n Pippi all jumped n hide themselves, but be4 I could do it too Sam picked me up in his arms n hided us himself. Ok it was a litl prep to do that but I tought he looked hot n he did it but very darkly. Then a smexy darth guy on a blak horse cum very quicly be4 us. I couldn't say why but I knew he wuz lookin for me n da lonely ring. He didn't see us n went away. We all looked at each others n we knew that we would have to be super prudent. Dat very nite we stopped in a little field to camp. I said I would go look 4 wood for da fire. Frodo said:

-I think ya should stay here Diabolica, its more safe with us, in case da darth guy cum back to steal u.

-Don't worry Frodo, Ill go with her n protect her, said Sam.

Frodo then nodded n we both leaved in the wood. After we picked up a few branches in silence for a few minutes, Sam said:

-That's really an axciting adeventure were living isn it?

-Yeah, I,don't want to admit it but Im kind of scared though. Tommorow is the day I'll becum all super powerful n like a sex magnet. What will I do?

Tears were at the brick of my eyez. Sam then said:

-Don't be scraed, Ill protect u Diabolica. I never really talked to u be4 but that waz becus I always thout you were super butiful n I waz shy, so I went out with Frodo instead cuz he looked like a cute girly version of you but a little less hotter. But you r the most fuckable girl ive ever saw biatch.

That wuz da most sexy thing a guy ever said to me. We both dropped our wood n then we started to tore off our clothes n Sam put his hobbit thingy in ma baby maker. We made it really hard n I wuz hurtin a little xuz it wuz ma first time ya know. Then suddenly we heard:

-SAM YA FUCKIN CROSSOVER!

It was Frodo n he looked super pissed!!


Tom Bombadil

Sam immadiatly rewind from me n got up n said in a confused voice :

-Frodo its not wat you think!

-What da hell its not what I tink we could all hear you guyz from the camp!! Now you got Merry n Pippin all horny too n they nearly raped me!

-Pleased don't be mad at me Frodo, you know I luv you too!

-Ya damn right I'm pissed! We were supposed to do her together!

Then Frodo smiled n said:

-How dared you start…WITHOUT ME!!

N then he took off his clothes n joint us walkin like live sex. We all roll on the ground n I wuz screaming:

-Ohhh FRODOOO! OHHH SAAAAM!

I was screaemin so ahrd that Merry N Pippy soon join us n we all ahd a great 15 minutes gang bang on da ground. Then suddenly I wuz lifted up the ground…by branches!! It wuz posesed trees!! I was screming n the boyz were all running in cicrcles n panicked below me still naked. I would hva been really turned on if it weren't for the trees lolz so I was just a little stiff wet. Then suddenly someone scramed:

-YOOOOOOOOO MOTHERFUCKIN TREEEEES LET THAT BIATCH GO!! ITS AN ORDER SUCKER!

Then there were effin huge firetrucks everywhere n da trees got scared n let me go. I fell on Sam but I wasn't hurt. When I looked up I saw the most fuckin hot n dark guy in da world. He waz all dressed in black with huge black boots n a cool belt n he had really hot glasses n a long black coat n he wuz smoking a really huge joint. He had like a very dark aura around him, like evilness incarnated, some waesomnes goth rapper. He was fixing us intensely n he was singing low:

-Dance dance, weE'r faaliin apaprt to earth time…Dance dance…

We were a little nervous n speechless. aThen I said:

-Thanks very much mister?...

Then he stopped singing close his mouth n widened his eyes and said real loud:

-TOM BOMBADIL BITCHES! THE FUCKING FOREST CRAZY SINGING GUY DUDE! ALWAYS ON TIIIME ALWAYS ON WEEEED.

Then he continued fixing us siongign cool dark song like Good Charlotte My valentine. Then he said again:

-WHY ARE YOU NAKED? WEERE YOU HOT?

Then I said:- It's a long story mister Bamba…better start at the start.

-OAKY BU PUT SOME CLOTHES ON FIRST YA DIRTY BITCH! AHAHAH IM JUST KIDDING YOU LOOK HOT. ALL OF YOU.