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Gandalf is one of the Istari, an order of maiar sent into the world of men to find and slay sparklepires. All have perished except for one coven: the Cullens. Sauron has bribed these wicked undead into seducing foolish maidens into gathering in their name, abandoning proper worship of Eru. The worst of this band is Edward Cullen, a pale youth who looks fair yet feels foul. Gandalf has followed Edward from Mordor, across the fields of Rohan, and all the way to Gondor. The White Wizard has seen many preppy maidens wish they were goth like the Nazgûls, and idolize Edward to compensate. Gandalf is within inches of slaying the whole coven, but Sauron (in the guise of a scribe named Meyer) is planning to call down a host of demons to possess men's bodies. The only way to prevent this is if Frodo Baggins throws copies of Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner, and The Host (as well as the manuscript of Midnight Sun) into Mount Doom.

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