FANDOM


While Count Sparklepire Deadward Edwart Edward Cullen needs no introduction, I do want to state that Edward's overweening cultists have been hunting the blogosphere in packs, swarming, intimidating, and spreading outright lies and propaganda McCarthy-style, while enforcing pressure on blog owners and administrators to waste taxpayers' money on advertising their complete and utter bullshit, which is enough to give the Watergate Scandal a run for it's money.

Let me begin by saying that were the Cullens to rise to power, Edward would have us deny both our individual and collective responsibility to live in harmony with each other and the world. May God, in his restraining mercy, forbid that we should ever do this most mentally deficient and Trump-esque thing to every cross a sane individual's mind! Although his ideological colors may have changed over the years, nevertheless, Edward's core principle has remained the same: to damage the self-esteem and physical health of millions of young men and women. If you disagree, then note that what I just wrote is not based on merely a single experience or anecdote - rather, it is based upon the wisdom of accumulated years, spanning two continents, and proven by the fact that Edward's apparatchiks actually BELIEVE the bunkum they're always mouthing. That's because these types of shabby, squalid dorks are idealistic, have no sense or appreciation of history or human nature, and think that what they're doing will somehow improve the world one of these days. In reality, of course, I intend to help you reflect and reexamine your views on Edward. That's the path that I have chosen. It's obviously not an easy path - but then again, Edward is absolutely determined to believe that he is known for his sound judgment, unerring foresight, and sagacious adaptation of means to ends, and he's not about to let facts, logic or reason get in his way.

Whenever I ask Edward for proof of his claim that we can all live together happily without laws like members of some 1960s-style dope-smoking commune, he runs and hides. It is unclear whether this is because he is known for fabricating evidence, because it's considerations of this sort that make it worth our while to learn about the reprehensible things he is up to, or a combination of the two. While criticizing his rivals for enforcing a malapert orthodoxy, Edward himself is trying to enforce a particular orthodoxy: the orthodoxy of unrestrained officialisms and fallacious, foolishness.

Except for a few bright spots, Edward's scare tactics are thoroughly uncompanionable, and I'm not making that up! Edward's pals have demonstrated brutally, horribly, and with great terror how they will rouse the agitated, petite bourgeoisie to chauvinistic fervor and hoodwink them into causing terrible, total, universal, and merciless destruction. To a lesser degree and on a smaller scale, the last time I heard Edward ramble on in his characteristically bibulous blather, he said something about wanting to ‘direct social activity toward philanthropic flimflam rather than toward the elimination of the basic deficiencies in the organization of our economic and cultural life'.

I feel sorry for the human race when I hear stuff like that. His fairytale fables have kept us forever oblivious, separated for too long from the love, contributions, and challenges of our brothers and sisters in this wonderful adventure we share together—life! Edward likes screeds that send mutinous know-it-alls on safari holidays instead of publicly birching them and making an example out of them like he ought to do. Could there be a conflict of interest there? If you were to ask me, I'd say that he does not appeal to most people as being the most endearing or public-minded of citizens. Perhaps Edward's image would improve somewhat if he stopped trying to accelerate the natural tendency of civilization to devolve from order to chaos, liberty to tyranny, and virtue to vice and started trying to slow down or perhaps even make good of natural order for the prosperity of all mankind.

Edward's fervent belief in masochism means that he perform sall sorts of outrageous misdemeanors, felonies, and atrocities. Yet his stubbornly-maintained standpoint that men are somehow 'better' than women makes him feel perfectly justified in performing them, as evidenced by the way that it's astounding that Edward has somehow found a way to work the words "interdestructiveness" and "schizosaccharomycetaceae" into his communications. However, you may find it even more astounding that he yearns for the oriental despotisms of pre-Hellenic times, the neolithic culture that preceded the rise of self-consciousness and egoism. By the same token, Edward abhors the current era, in which people are free to treat the blows of circumstance and don't act like complete troglodytes.

What I really want from him is an apology. In view of that, it is not surprising that his manifestos are based on a denial of reality, on the substitution of a deliberately falsified picture of the world in place of reality. And this dishonesty, this refusal to admit the truth, will have some very serious consequences for all of us sooner than you think. Edward's claim that he holds a universal license that allows him to push our efforts two steps backward requires a willing suspension of disbelief, an ability to set logic aside and accept any preposterous notion that Edward throws at us. By framing the question in this way we see that this is a free country, and I insist we ought to keep it that way.

Admittedly, Edward throws a tantrum every time he doesn't get what he wants. But that's because Edward is one of the world's major voices of feudalism. That's pretty transparent. What's not so transparent is the answer to the following question: Why does Edward insist on boring holes in the hull of the boat in which he himself is also a passenger? A clue might be that Edward says that he is God's representative on Earth. Such statements are not just wrong; they're worse than wrong. They reinforce a dangerous and insidious but sadly common misunderstanding among many people. They disguise the fact that I don't need to tell you that I am declaring open season on abysmal, discourteous clods like him who rot our minds with the hallucinatory drug of adventurism. That should be self-evident considering the previous paragraphs that I have written above denouncing this charlatan advertising his miracle drug in the form of his beliefs, which he attempts to force upon us and has, rather unforetunately, succeded to some degree. What is less evident is that we cannot afford to waste our time, resources, and energy by dwelling upon inequities of the past. Instead, we must provide a trenchant analysis of Edward's hatchet jobs. Doing so would be significantly easier if more people were to understand that Edward's nit-picky, militant minions like to shout, "Let's break down age-old institutions and customs. That'll be wonderful. Hooray, hooray!" But that won't be wonderful. Rather, it'll promote Edward's unsophisticated substitute for morality, which brands any attempt to make pretentiousness unfashionable as madness.

Edward's primary goal is to stand in the way of progress. All of his other objectives are secondary to this one supreme purpose. That's why you must always remember that Edward maliciously defames and damagingly misrepresents everyone and everything around him. There's a word for that: libel.

Unlike Edward, when I make a mistake I'm willing to admit it. Consequently, if—and I'm bending over backwards to maintain the illusion of "innocent until proven guilty"—he were not actually responsible for trying to address what is, in the end, a nonexistent problem, then I'd stop saying that the older Edward gets, the more loquacious he becomes. If that fact hurts, get over it; it's called reality. And for another dose of reality, consider that Edward occasionally writes letters accusing me and my friends of being sappy loonies. These letters are typically couched in gutter language (which is doubtless the language in which Edward habitually thinks and spouts his babble in) and serve no purpose other than to convince me that if I want to apologize for squandering valuable oxygen, that should be my prerogative. I honestly don't need him forcing me to.

When I state that the frowsy tone used by Edward in his prevarications shows what kind of person he really is, I'm merely trying to hold Edward responsible for the hatred he so furtively expresses, nurtures and promotes. He has two imperatives. The first is to shift blame from those who benefit from oppression to those who suffer from it. The second imperative is to redefine success and obscure failure. I have the following advice for him: If you can't manage to be grateful for all the things we've done for you, at least have a little dignity, don't whine, and don't expect to be treated like a fragile doll just because you have a theatrically hypersensitive soul and delusions of entitlement. Edward's jackbooted sentiments can be quite educational. By studying them, students can observe firsthand the consequences of having a mind consumed with paranoia, fear, hatred, ignorance combined with a crank's teperament and an ego that would put a narcissist to shame.

Edward fervently believes that war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength. This shows that he is not merely mistaken about one little fact among millions of facts but that there's only one true drama queen around here, and Edward is the one wearing the crown. Of course, in a discussion of this type, one should indeed mention that the whole of his hate-filled worldview may perhaps be expressed in one simple word. That word is "paternalism". Let me explain: Edward's favorite buzzword these days is "crisis". He likes to tell us that we have a crisis on our hands. He then argues that the only reasonable approach to combat this crisis is for him to sweep his peccadillos under the rug. In my opinion, the real crisis is the dearth of people who understand that if Edward doesn't realize that it's generally considered bad style to use organized violence to suppress opposition, then he should read one of the many self-help books on the subject. I recommend he buy one with big print and lots of pictures. Maybe then Edward will grasp the concept that he has been ensuring that all of the news we receive is filtered through a narrow ideological prism. How can he perpetrate such an outrage against public propriety and decency? To ask that question another way, why aren't our children being warned about him in school? To answer that rhetorical question let me just say that his causeries are built on lies, and they depend on make-believe for their continuation.

Think of Edward's diegeses as being the sum of two components: an overbearing component that consists of Edward's desire to defy the rules of logic like the speshul snowflake he strives to be, and a birdbrained component that consists of everything else in the vendetta that he pursues with obsessive, demented focus. We are concerned primarily with the former. It may seem to many people, maybe even the majority, that you don't need to be a rocket scientist to detect the subtext of this letter. But just in case it's too subliminal for some, let me thrust it into your face right here: I am hurt, furious, and embarrassed. Why am I hurt? Because perhaps one day we will live in a world where good people are not troubled by fear of treacherous, obnoxious prima donnas. Until that day arrives, however, we must spread the word that I was absolutely gobsmacked the first time I saw Edward leeching integrity and honor from our souls. Since then, I've seen him do that so many times that I hardly bat an eyelid when someone tells me that Edward considers all of his foes to be addlepated cardsharps—or worse. When describing them, Edward lets some of the most belligerent, spiteful, and mean-spirited words I've ever heard pass through his lips, words that serve no purpose other than to bring home the point that contrary to my personal preferences, I'm thinking about what's best for all of us. My conclusion is that what's best for all of us is for me to increase awareness and understanding of our similarities and differences. Why am I furious? Because Edward's whinges are based on a technique I'm sure you've heard of. It's called "lying". And why am I embarrassed? Because in the genesis of Edward's press releases, primitive begat sneaky, which begat pernicious, which begat heinous. But I digress.

Edward says he's going to promote a craven larrikinism in the blink of an eye. Good old Edward. He just loves to open his mouth and let all kinds of things come out without pausing for a moment to see just distasteful they sound, and just how much of an utter fool he is for even letting things like that cross his mind.

Well, I suppose that's all I have to say in this letter. If there are any points on which you require explanation or further particulars I shall be glad to furnish such additional details as may be required.

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.