Cullenism

Cullenism is a quasi-religion based on the Twilight series Shitfest by Stephenie Meyer Members of this religion worship the sexual fantasy of Sneyer Sneyer masturbates regularly to these fantasies and decided to write and publish her fantasies. . This series, which consists of four books {More like three pathetic excuses for literature and one crappy fanfic in book form}, follows the adventures misdeeds of the Cullen family coven and several other characters walking cardboard cutouts, including Bella Swan Swine. The Cullen family are a group of extremely attractive vampires pixies and the film adaption of Twilight Twifright turned the series into (nightmarish) reality for many fans. One of the two main characters of the story wastes of paper, Edward Cullen (played by Robert Pattison in the film) captured the hearts of warped the minds of many hormonal, deluded fangirls from the moment the film hit the big screen. Not that girls weren't already in love with drooling unhealthily over Edward from the books, but the film appears to have taken the attraction obsession to the next level of creepy.  Despite this well known fact though, a number of males are rabid and faithful followers (drones more like). The Cullenism Twinkle-Toes religion centers around the belief that the Cullen family deserve to be worshipped and the books treated like a bible. A member of the Cullenism pseudo-religion is known as a Cullenist a damned soul who is likely to be laughed at and ridiculed by people of a saner mentality.

Cullenist's are forbidden to shower, they prefer to dowse themselves in glitter, in every nook and cranny. This is most absolute law of Cullenism, its significance being the Cullens are a disgrace to vampires

In the grand scheme flop of Cullenism, there are four gods dogs and now four goddesses bitches that we pray to; Edweird, Smella, Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Alice, Emmett and Rosalie. Each god dog can (and probably will) have a different significance to each Cullenist act like the absolute dickwad they are. However, each Cullen god dog is unique horrible in his or her own way.

Deadwart is the god dog of protection, chivalry, game Gary Stus, stalking, misogynists and animal abuse.

Bella is the god bitch of Insecurities, Closure and beginnings Mary Sues, teenage pregnancy, whining, idiots, jumping off cliffs, and stupid, lovesick teenagers. She does not know what acceptance is, and tried to kill herself when she couldn't accept that she had been dumped. She is also patron goddess of most hateable character ever written.

Carlisle is the god dog of health and prosperity cheating on the stock market, spreading demon plagues and sheer hypocrisy.Turning young teenagers to vampires, making edward hate himself.

Esme is the goddess dog of care and compassion boredom (recent studies: of compassion of muffins) She is pretty much ok compared to others, she was turned after she lost her child and therefore is maternal. Which means Rosalie is stuck with trauma of rape forever. Way to go Carlisle for you compassion.

Jasper is the god dog of war, strategey, and educational pursuit Impulsiveness, murder, facial spasms/weird facial expressions and marriage to kleptomaniacs.

Alice is the goddess bitch of fashion, fun, and love overly preppy teenagers, car theft, redundant superpowers and tacky fashion.

Emmett is the god dog of strength and happiness pickles, cucumbers and retardation/stupidity.

Rosalie is the goddess bitch of beauty and grace Bathos, Pathos and wasted potential. Shallowness. And trying to steal Bella's baby, hoping bella dies and she keeps the baby.

In turn, each god/godess dog/bitch can be prayed to slapped in the face for different reasons, at different times. Some you may pray to slap regularly, others on occasion. Each god is equally as amazing pathetic as the next. There may be different reason you pray to a certain one, whether it's because you're part of their house they're sneaking into your house and watching you in your sleep, or because they're your favorite Cullen stole your Porsche, or perhaps it's because you're in need of their specific guidence <-- {Did your Cullens guide you while writing this? Because if they did, then that explains the spelling.}

Holy Texts Shits

• Twilight Toilets

• New Moon New Mooks

• Eclipse Egg Lips

• Breaking Dawn Breeding Spawn

True believers always have at least one holy book shit with them at all times. The text Midnight Sun is considered optional supplemental reading material until such time as the sage chooses to bless curse us with a complete and published edition. Yes, a flower chooses to bless twi-dum dums.

Cullenist Sacraments

Sacrament of First Reading Going Nutso (Here's one for you, chickmunk!) Otherwise known as 'Sacrament of having your life ruined'. (SOHYLR for short) ~ The first step toward accepting Cullenism. A believer must complete a full reading of all four novels doorstops.

Sacrament of Deeper Understanding Brain Degeneration~ Through a thorough reading of the Blessed Cursed Encyclicals of Stephenie Meyer, a believer answers their own questions about the unwritten truths codswallop in the saga. Basically Meyer is too lazy to answer them herself.

Sacrament of Declaration Blasphemy~ Every Cullenist must affirm their true faith through a public recitation of the following prayer:

I am a Cullenist. With blind faith, and love idiocy and cooties, I honor the sage hack Stephenie Meyer, praising her for her gift of knowledge moneygrubbing I honor Carlisle, our leader, praising him for his compassion and patience. I honor Crapward, our brother and teacher monster and stalker. I praise him for his love lust and strength of will. over-possessiveness. I honor Bella, our annoying little sister and teacher Mary Sue. I praise her for her love and open heart lust and open pussy. I honor our other teachers; Esme for her fierce love bland personality, Alice for her vision and joy shallowness, Jasper for his serenity and loyalty grimacing and bloodlust, Rosalie for her tenacity womb stealing and Emmett for his strength and ease of heart mushy brain. I have made a bad decision. I am a Cullenist fool with horrendous taste in books, movies and men. I am also a retard

Sacrament of Home Pilgramage Hokey Tourism~ Every Cullenist, at least once in their lifetime, must make a pilgrimage to our most unholy city of Forks, Washington.

Sacrament of Love Pilgrimage Visiting Imaginary Places~ Cullenists who marry or take rape a mate can choose to have their love blessed through a pilgrimage to our second high city, Isle Esme. Sadly, it doesn't exist outside the land of make-believe (i.e. It's not real).

Sacrament of War Mob Violence~ Cullenists must smite every non-believer into submission, lest they spend an eternity in Jame's Cave. <-- {Who's Jame? Oh wait, you mean James. Well done you.} (Oh James? James Potter? Yeah, I'd love to, actually -Granger)

Calendar of Our Most Holiest Of Holidays:

January 18th~ Meeting Mating Day; The day Bella Sue and Edward Deadwart first meet. The day a lot of people lost their sanity, like seriously, September 1 is a sacred day, when Harry, Ron, and Hermione met.

March 6th~ Legend Day; The day Jacob Pedowolf shares the Quileute legends with Bella.

March 12th~ Day of the Dances with Wolves; The day Jacob Pedowolf confirms for Suella the existence of shapeshifters and that he is in fact a werewolf (of sorts ) Although he isn't entirely a werewolf. It is proved that in fact, Jacob is an animagus. A valid example of a werewolf is Remus Lupin.

March 13th~ Meadow Maddening Day; The day Edward takes Bella to his secret and beautiful meadow, declaring his feelings and wishes for their future together. It is also the day he decides he can, in fact, be with her without killing her. In Cullenism, this is our equivalent of Valentine's Day to the rest of the world. (Twilighters, what the hell are you doing to Literature?)

March 22nd~ Salvation Damnation Day; The day Bella and Alice save Edward from dying by his own hand and from the Volturi in Italy. (Assholes! We were this close to losing him, but no. He should've died, ya know.)

June 14th~ Day of The Lord of the Rings because good literature doesn't deserve to be in shit. The day Edward Fuckturd officially proposes to Bella Smella and she accepts. (The only reason this is considered a less luck very lucky day to get engaged is because of Bella's hesitance to actually to so brain functioning. That's why we consider the Festival of Edward & Bella a luckier day; that day she actually realizes how much she wants to marry him. Silly girl. because it involves Edweird. That's why we consider Easter a luckier day; good things happened that day.)

June 20th~ Edward's Fuckwad's Feast; Edward's birthday. (What? No description, whatsoever.)

August 13th~ Festival of Edward & Bella Deadward and Suella; The wedding bed-wetting day. In Cullenism, this is the best day to get engaged or married, considered the luckiest.suckiest.

September 10th~ Renesmee's Ronald McDonald's Feast; Renesmee's Hellspawn's birthday. In Cullenism, this is also a day we celebrate future possibilities The Rebellion of Satan, honoring the whole new world of futures that Renesmee opened with her arrival defiance of God represented by Lucifer's act.

September 13th~ Bella's Urinella's Feast/Day of New Life Loads; Bella's Urinella's birthday. In Cullenism, this is also a day we celebrate transformation and change; kind of like our Spring Equinox. We honor new life and new possibilities celebrate cheese; kind of like a Spring Equinox, only nothing like one.We honor new life and new possibilitiesdeath of humanity.

September 16th~ Leaving Emo Day; The day Edward Bedwet leaves Stephanie Meyer Mary Sue Bella StinkerBella to save her from himself (stupid boy wow, he does realize how abusive he is). In Cullenism, this is our day of atonement, assuaging our grief by making up for past wrongs of farting contests, inhaling our smells by eating lots of beans.

December 25th~ War Riot Day; This is the day where Cullenists renew their vows to smite congratulate those who oppose Meyer.

December 29th~ Confrontation Confectionary Day; The day of the final debate battle between the Cullens and their allies and the Volturi. It is on this day in which Cullenists engage in debates with non-believers eat pizza.

Sacred Places

-Forks Fucks, Washington

- Phoenix Phony, Arizona (Bella Deadweight's birthplace)

- Chicago Chicanery, Illinois (Edward Pixieboy's birthplace)

- Rochester Ronald McDonald, New York (Rosalie's birthplace)

- London ,Lollipop England (Carlisle's birthplace)

- Columbus Coca Cola, Ohio (Esme's birthplace)

- Texas Taxes (Jasper Casper's birthplace)

- Biloxi Bill O' Reilly, Mississippi (Alice's birthplace)

- Tennessee Ernie (Emmett's birthplace)

- Denali Dalí, Alaska (Where the Denali Coven live)

- Volterra Voltage, Italy (Where the Volturi live. Apparently, followers go here to get the power to curse "non-believers a.k.a. Sane People".) they don't have money to do fly to Italy, unless mommy give in.

High Prayer

The following is from the Twilight Lexicon:

In the Cullen name, I pray that my faith endure I may become a Christian/Jew/Buddhist (or something else sane).

I pray to Jasper, patron saint of emotion Casper the friendly Ghost, to grant me serenity, peace and contentment.

I pray to Emmett, patron saint of strength & dedication brawny morons, for protection against mine enemies Deadweird.

I ask Esme, patron saint of kindness & nurturing blandness and doing nothing, to take my woes and give me comfort ignore me and go back to doing nothing.

I pray to Alice & Rosalie, patronesses of truth and beauty bitchiness and kleptomania, to grant me knowledge, understanding and good fortune bring me a Porsche.

I pray to Bella Isabitcha Marie Sue, patron saint of acceptance Mary Sues, to grant my heart be open and understanding of all turn me all speshul(like a retard special) and perfect and give me troo luv and stuff (which is in fact abuse & manipulation, cutting off your friends, and parents, no plans for college, with life revolving around only edward. And when he leaves that can make you fucked up like in new moon, yeah true love) ultimate bitch of shallowness

I pray to Edward Fagius McFagicus The Fagicythird, patron saint of love stalkers and lust, that he may shine his eternal love upon me quit breaking into my house and watching me sleep, cuts off my friends from me, makes me lie to my parents who cares for me.

And, to the most high Carlisle Snoop Dogg, I ask that he bless me with wisdom, self-control and he ability to know the difference between right and wrong (turning teenagers to monsters after being raped) and to always choose the right pot and super-1337 (elite) rap skillz.

I ask all these in Stephenie Meyer's masturbationMormon Moron's name.

IS THERE ANYONE ON HERE THAT CARES ENOUGH FOR HIS OR HER OWN SOUL THAT WOULD CRY OUT TO FRIEND TO OUR CULLEN FRIENDS TO SAVE YOUR OWN SOUL AND MAKE YOU WHOLE AND TO SAVE YOU FROM A HELL OF JAMES' CAVE? SAY : DEAR EDWARD I NOW KNOW THY TRUTH AND SEE THE LIGHT OF THOU'S WAY AND WITHOUT YOU I'LL DIE AND SPEND THE REST OF ETERNITY IN THE DARK HELL OF JAMES' CAVE! ! TO ONE DAY TO VISIT THE ME ADOW ON WHICH THE VAMPIRE HIGH OF MOST SPARLKES AND SAY " DEPART FROM ME THE NEGATIVE FROM A TIME WHICH I NEVER KNEW YOU ! ! " SAY OLE LORD EDWARD SAVE ME ANY MAKE ME LIKE YOURSELF AND MAKE ME WHOLE JUST LIKE THE LAMB BELLA THEN I CAN BE SAVE WITHOUT SPOT WITHOUT BLAMISH AND WITHOUT SHAME PRAISE TO THE CULLENS, THANK YOU FOR SAVEING DAMNING ME AH DEADWARD! *faints and wakes up inside an insane Arkham Asylum* 

Enjoy the revamped version! :P

~Matrix

Words from sane people: 

I would like to say, I don't like Twilight. It is not interesting, and I don't see how people can read it without falling asleep. It has no true moral. - Granger. 

Agreed. That's why I'm messing up this wiki in the first place. ~Matrix 

"I thought nothing can be worst then the book and now....there aren't any words for the level of retard this has reached ?" ~ Arwen